How to Talk to Your Parents About Their Funeral Wishes

Many adult children put this conversation off because it feels uncomfortable, or because they worry it will upset a parent. Often the parent has been thinking about it too and is relieved someone asked. This guide offers ways to begin, questions to cover, and what to do if a parent would rather not talk about it yet.

Why it helps to talk about it now

When someone dies, the family usually makes the funeral decisions within days. Knowing what the person wanted means those decisions can reflect them, rather than being a best guess made under pressure.

It is also worth knowing that a will is not the best place for funeral wishes on its own. In Australia, funeral wishes in a will are generally not legally binding on the family or the executor, and the executor usually has the final say about the funeral, burial or cremation. A will is often not read until after the funeral, so the Public Trustee in Tasmania suggests talking to loved ones about funeral wishes directly. A conversation, and a written record the family can find, does more than a line in a will.

Choosing a good moment

A quiet, ordinary day is usually better than a hospital visit or a family crisis. Some natural openings:

• on the drive home from someone else's funeral, when the subject is already close
• when a parent mentions updating their will, or a friend's plans
• during a family get-together, if everyone is relaxed and has time
• when you are sorting your own will or paperwork and can share what you have done

Keep the first conversation short. It is fine to raise the subject, listen, and agree to come back to it. Some families find it easier one-to-one; others prefer brothers and sisters to be there, so everyone hears the same thing.

Ways to start the conversation

Use your own words. These openings may help you find them:

• "I went to Pat's funeral last week and it got me thinking. Have you ever thought about what you'd want?"
• "I've been sorting out my own will. Would you be willing to tell me a bit about what you'd like, so I know?"
• "I don't want to have to guess one day. Could we talk about it, just a little, whenever you're ready?"
• "What would you like people to remember about you?"

Starting with memories and values often works better than starting with coffins and costs. A parent who talks about a favourite song, a place they love or a person they would want to speak is already telling you a great deal about their funeral.

What to ask about

You don't need to cover everything. Over time, these are the things families most often find helpful to know:

• Burial or cremation, and if burial, whether they already have a grave or a place in mind
• The kind of farewell: a funeral, a memorial service, a small private gathering or something else
• Faith and culture: any religious or cultural practices that matter to them
• Music, readings and speakers, and anyone they would like to lead the service
• Who to tell: friends, clubs or communities who would want to know
• Existing arrangements: whether they have a prepaid funeral, a funeral bond or funeral insurance, and where the paperwork is
• Their will: whether they have one, who the executor is, and where the original is kept
• Things they don't want, which can be just as useful as what they do

If cost comes up, our guide to funeral costs in Australia sets out typical ranges with sources, which can make the conversation more practical and less abstract.

If they don't want to talk about it

Some parents will change the subject, make a joke, or say "just do whatever's easiest." That is their right, and it can be a perfectly reasonable answer. A few things that may help:

• Let them know the door is open, and leave it there for now.
• Offer another way: some people would rather write their wishes down privately, or talk with a friend, a celebrant, their GP or a faith leader.
• Ask one small question instead of many, such as whether they would prefer burial or cremation.
• Use a conversation guide. Palliative Care Australia publishes free discussion starters, and the Dying to Talk initiative encourages Australians of all ages to talk about dying.

If brothers and sisters see things differently, try to keep the focus on what your parent wants rather than what each of you would choose. Hearing it from your parent together can prevent disagreements later.

Funeral wishes and health care wishes are different

A conversation about funeral wishes often leads to a conversation about care at the end of life. They are related but separate. Funeral wishes are about the farewell. An advance care directive records the medical care a person would want if they could no longer speak for themselves, and the rules differ by state. Our guide to advance care directives in Australia explains the basics, and Advance Care Planning Australia runs a national support service on 1300 208 582, 9am to 5pm AEST, Monday to Friday.

Write it down and tell people where it is

Whatever your parent tells you, write it down soon afterwards, ideally with them, and check you have understood. Then make sure the right people know where to find it: the executor, and the brothers and sisters or close family who would be arranging the funeral. Keep it with, or alongside, their other important documents.

Wishes can change, so it is worth looking at them again every few years or after a big life change. When the time comes, our guide on how to plan a funeral walks through each decision.

Common questions

Are funeral wishes in a will legally binding in Australia?

Generally, no. Funeral wishes written in a will show what the person wanted, but they are not legally binding on the family or the executor, and the executor usually has the final say. A will is also often not read until after the funeral, so it helps if the family knows the wishes beforehand.

When is a good time to talk to my parents about their funeral?

A calm, ordinary moment usually works better than a crisis. Natural openings include after attending a funeral, when a parent is updating their will, or when they mention a friend's plans. A short first conversation is enough.

What if my parent doesn't want to talk about it?

Respect that, and let them know the door is open. Some people prefer to write their wishes down privately, or to talk with someone outside the family. You can also try again another time, in a different way.

Are funeral wishes the same as an advance care directive?

No. Funeral wishes are about the farewell after death. An advance care directive records the health care a person would want if they could no longer speak for themselves. Both are worth talking about, and they are kept in different places.

Sources

• Public Trustee (Tasmania): Funeral wishes and Wills, checked November 2026
• Victorian Law Reform Commission: Funeral and Burial Instructions, consultation paper (2015), on the executor's right to decide
• Advance Care Planning Australia: Get support, checked November 2026
• Palliative Care Australia: Discussion Starters, and What Matters Most discussion starter (free)
• Australian Government Department of Health: Dying to Talk

This is general information, not legal advice. Laws about wills, executors and advance care directives differ between states and territories.