How to Support Someone Who is Grieving

When someone we care about is grieving, many of us don't know what to do or say. We worry about saying the wrong thing, so we say nothing. We want to help but don't know how. This guide is for the people on the edges of grief — the friends, colleagues and family members who want to show up well.

The most common mistakes people make

Saying nothing

The fear of saying the wrong thing leads many people to avoid the grieving person entirely. This is almost always more painful than anything you might say. Silence feels like abandonment. A simple acknowledgement — even imperfect — is better than nothing.

Saying "Let me know if you need anything"

This is well-intentioned but almost useless. Grieving people rarely ask for help, even when they desperately need it. Instead, offer something specific: "I'm going to drop off dinner on Thursday — is 6pm okay?" or "I'd like to help with the kids this weekend if that would be useful."

Trying to fix the unfixable

Grief cannot be solved. Looking for the silver lining, pointing out that the person "had a good life" or "is no longer suffering" — however well-meaning — can feel dismissive to someone in acute pain. What most grieving people need is not a solution but a witness.

What actually helps

Show up — and keep showing up

The initial flood of support after a death often disappears within two to three weeks, just as the shock is wearing off and the real weight of grief begins to settle. Many people find the months after the funeral the loneliest. A message, a call, a coffee — continued contact matters more than the gesture at the funeral.

Use their name

Say the name of the person who died. Many people avoid it for fear of causing pain, but most grieving people find it comforting to hear their loved one's name. "How are you going? I've been thinking about your mum a lot this week."

Ask questions and then listen

Open questions invite the grieving person to share as much or as little as they want. "What's been the hardest part?" or "What do you miss most about him?" Then listen. Really listen. Without rushing to fill the silence or redirect to something more comfortable.

Help with practical things

In the immediate aftermath of a death, the practical load is immense — funeral arrangements, notifications, food, children, pets, work. Concrete, specific offers of help are genuinely valuable. Drop off food. Offer to make calls. Sit with them while they fill out forms. Drive them to appointments.

What not to say

• "Everything happens for a reason"
• "They're in a better place"
• "At least they had a good long life"
• "I know how you feel"
• "You need to stay strong for the kids"
• "You should be over it by now"
• "Let me know if you need anything"

These phrases, however kindly meant, often make the grieving person feel unseen or pressured to perform feelings they don't have.

Grief doesn't follow a timeline

There is no fixed timeline for grief. The old "five stages" model (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) is widely misunderstood — grief doesn't move in a straight line and not everyone experiences every stage. Some people are functional within weeks. Others are deeply affected for years. Neither is wrong.

Be cautious of suggesting that someone should be "moving on" or "getting back to normal" by a certain point. Grief is not a problem to be solved — it is the ongoing experience of loving someone who is no longer here.

When to encourage professional support

If someone you care about is struggling significantly — unable to function, showing signs of severe depression, withdrawing completely from life, or expressing thoughts of self-harm — gently encourage professional support. Grief counselling is available through Griefline (1300 845 745), Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636), and many private psychologists and counsellors who specialise in bereavement.

Look after yourself too

Supporting someone who is grieving can be emotionally exhausting, particularly if you are also grieving. It is not selfish to take care of your own wellbeing. You cannot pour from an empty cup.